Second Love
by Autumn Xavier
Summary: Renji reflects on the life he's had with Rukia, wondering why he'll never be the love of her life.


Watching the sun set across the horizon, blood red running from the darkness, my mind wanders back to you, as it always does. Those beautiful dark eyes that I could lose myself in, the raven black hair that is softer than silk. A smile to melt even the coldest heart yet none of that I will ever have. Trapped forever in your heart as a friend, never to become more than that, never to be your lover. I've watched you grow from the playful child who ran through the alleys with me to the stunning woman you have become, stunning and deadly with amazing grace. I've lost you so many times, and yet it seems I am fated to do so again.

I could do nothing as you were brought into the Kuchiki clan, following your sister's love. That man eventually became my captain, taking you further still from me but I loved you regardless. Then you joined Ukitake-taichou in the 13th Division where I would lose you a second time. Your heart so desperately admired Shiba Kaien, and secretly you loved him as I did you. But you never noticed how much it pained me to watch you, even as he loved one other than you. You never noticed the love I had for you, even when I was holding you the night he died, as you cried yourself to sleep in my arms and I whispered it in your ear. I tried to forget...God, I tried. But everything about you haunts me from the feel of your body, to the scent of your hair. There were other women, some quite beautiful but they weren't you, they weren't what I wanted and my heart was elsewhere.

And as if it were some cruel joke, you were gone and fear took over me. I was afraid I had lost you forever. I could barely stand the thought of you with another lover, but the thought of no longer having you in my life at all was something that nearly killed me to consider. Weeks passed and there was nothing heard from you. What had happened? Were you hurt, or worse, killed? I screamed and cried, begged and argued. But no one listened, even when I requested permission to come find you. Regulations, they said. To hell with regulations, the one I love is missing and I wanted you back. That's what I wanted to say but I knew my place and could do nothing more than wait.

When they finally concluded that you were still alive, relief was an understatement. Kuchiki-taichou and I would be the ones to find you and bring you back. I led the search and then finally, after so long, I saw you walking along down that dark street. I knew I never wanted that feeling again, the horrid feeling that I would never again see that smiling face. Yet once again, your heart had gone elsewhere and I wanted to scream. From the moment I saw him, I hated him. I could see it in your eyes that he was everything to you, even if you yourself did not realize it. But your actions spoke for you in how you fought so hard to protect him, even to the point to berate him yourself so that Kuchiki-taichou wouldn't kill him. It was so strong, your love for him and so obvious to everyone, yet you refused to admit it.

He had taken everything from you, took away everything I loved about you, condemned you to your death, and I wanted to kill him for having your love. How could you have loved someone after so little time, I could never understand. I had hoped that bringing you back to the Soul Society would make you realize that I was the one that truly loved you, that I would have risked everything for you. But your heart was set solely on him and I swore to myself that I would kill him for making you suffer so much and letting tears stain that ivory skin, for leaving you to your death. But dammit, he knew it...he knew he also loved you almost as much as I did and he came for you.

He broke through the barrier protecting the city, fought through almost all of the Lieutenants and Captains just to get you. I was excited to see him again when I fought him, wanting to leave his body to rot on the floor. But the same passion that drove me to my limits was driving us both, and perhaps was driving him stronger and harder. There was nothing more I could do except the one thing I didn't want - I let him go to because I knew that was who you wanted to save you. With every reason to kill him and to keep him from you, somehow, I couldn't find it in me to hate him any longer. What I wanted to do, I merely thought about but he actually did it. He fought through the strongest shinigami in the Soul Society for you, he forced himself to become stronger just so he could protect you. In the end, he inspired me to do the same so that I could do the same for you.

No, I do not hate him just as long as you continue to smile and laugh, just as you are doing now. Envy is more what I feel towards Ichigo, for gets you to hold and to kiss. You warm his bed at night when mine is empty. I will never be anything more than what I already am and it kills me. I am cursed to always be second in your life, your friend but never your lover.

AN: So what did you think? Was it good? Please R&R. I know I might have gotten some of the facts backwards since I don't read the manga and the anime is kinda missing from my memory. For those who kinda don't get it, one meaning of Renji's name is something along the lines of Second Love. Hence the fic and the title.

Thanks to those who've already reviewed, I updated and did as you said to separate the paragraphs. I thought I had done it before but I guess I forgot.


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